Saturday, June 6, 2009

Bad Parent Syndrome

I was catching up on my Daddy Blog reading today and I came across a recent post on Mommy With a Penis. As is often the case with this blog, he had me thinking "Damn straight!" while simultaneously trying to keep myself from collapsing on the floor, giggling uncontrollably. This particular post was the latest installment in a series of posts called Bad Mommy.

Specifically, it was about Bristol Palin and her baby appearing on a recent cover of People Magazine. I strongly recommend that you go read it for yourself, but suffice it to say that you can have a great game of "How Many Conflicting Messages Can You Find in This Picture?" There's also an extremely amusing note regarding color choices, but I'm not going to repeat it here as I've already compromised this blog's wholesome image by using the word "damn." (Uh, oh. Now I've used it twice).

The name "Bristol" reminded me of a website I found a few years back that also never fails to make me laugh: Baby's Named a Bad, Bad Thing (A Primer on Parent Cruelty). This hilarious site is a critique of recent trends in baby-naming, including the use of androgynous names, creating a name by melding together pieces of the parents' names, and the creation of baby names out of whole cloth in an attempt to give the child a "unique" name. Basically, the author went to a number of baby-naming sites and collected the worst (best?) examples of child cruelty which parents have engaged in via the process of naming their child. Among my favorites are:

1) We aren't having kids for another year or two, but we like Kellyna Nychole, Taryn Mykah and Mykenzie Kathryn for girls.
This woman was indicted under the Flagrant Over-Use of the Letters K and Y Act of 1983.

2) i have a 20-year old son named case mitchell and an 18-year old daughter named cheyenne autumn. my daughter has some of the most beautiful red hair in the world so her name fits her to a tee.
Not only does she have beautiful red hair, Cheyenne Autumn stars James Stewart and Richard Widmark and is regarded by many critics to be John Ford's most cynical of his later Westerns. She runs 2 hours, 35 minutes and is available on VHS.

3) This is for my niece, Dawn. She is expecting a baby girl in September. I suggested that they name her Dusk. What does everyone think?
I think her grand-daughter Nighttime would not approve. Or her grand-nieces Afterhours and Graveyardshift.

4) I've suggested to my sister that she name her little girl to be - Manchester. She's not sure about it but she's considering. What do you think?
Clever. Like being named Pittsburg or Schenectady. Kid'll grow up to be beaten to death by Liverpool fans.

There are many, many others. Go take a break from your kids and enjoy!

(And revel in the knowledge that no matter how sure you are that you've failed your child in some major, life-altering fashion you couldn't possibly have done anything as bad to them as the damage that these parents inflicted on their poor, unsuspecting children).

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